A 30-something coach, working as a park director and being a mentor to your daughter seems like the perfect remedy during her high school struggle. He is solving the transportation problems by picking her up for practice and getting her a ride home. He is strict and doesn’t let your daughter get away with making excuses. She is turning her grades around since he has been tutoring her and now she even wants to get a weekend job.
The seduction: He is interested in that certain type of pleaser. He shows how impressed he is, and that he is happy with her. He compliments the dedication, reliability, and trust. The faithful allegiance grows. He preaches about the importance of loyalty. The seduced: She feels special. That feels good. Enjoyment in being praised and acknowledged, even for the little stuff. She enjoys the wooing and the playful, innocent flirting. The secret: It was only ever about the conquest. That's why she wasn't the first and she wasn't the last. She was groomed just like the rest of them. It was almost legal, completely unethical and ultimately wrong, but she was inexperienced and manipulated. It took about a year to figure out that she wasn’t the only one. The focus of the relationship became about him teaching the art of finding opportunity, and her learning to omit the truth to her family and friends. He manipulated and dodged, and it became part of the excitement. She felt important. She didn’t know about all the others. Could someone have said something to her that she might have been able to hear? Grooming: What is grooming? Grooming is the precursor to the seduction. Grooming was his performance in front of her mother showing that he would watch out for her. Grooming was his ego telling her how great he would make her. Grooming was the homophobic remarks he would make, along with the warnings of “don’t let them get you alone, they will get you drunk and convert you.” Grooming was the looks and sly remarks that implied she was special. The game: She learned from the complaints he made about women how she needed to keep her feelings to herself. “Don’t act jealous. Don’t say I love you. Be happy with the time you get.” She was 17 and had never had a boyfriend. She was interested in boys and had a few crushes, but really didn’t have time for them. She was a virgin and really hadn’t considered sex. Summer school was a good excuse to get out of the house and to be available. Her mother didn’t need to know who she spent time with after class or where she went to write her papers. The myth: she loves that someone is paying attention to her and is interested in her life. Giving him what she wants makes her more special. She knows what it is mechanically and she can do it better than anyone. It’s not something to enjoy. It’s something she can give away as often as he wants it, wherever he wants it, however he wants it. She just focuses on perfecting and performing. Follow the rules and manage the secrecy.